I had been hankering for a trip to Ban Chang and I never managed to pull it off. This trip I was determined so I had Pattaya Bound arrange with Cheap Charlie to make it happen and sure enough we did. I have no recollection of what day we went other than I had zero sleep from the night before and I woke up late and Pattaya Bound was like get your ass up and going we have to meet Charlie. So no food, and meeting Charlie at a bar. This was a recipe for disaster and damn if it wasn’t
So Pattaya Bound and I jump a baht bus down to Jomteim and meet Charlie at the bar and of course we had to have one there and one for the road. So two beers, no food, and likely still carrying a blood alcohol level in the legally drunk range from the night before, guess who was already a little tipsy. I’ll give you hints, me and Charlie and he was driving! So off we go to pickup Charlie’s friend and I got to see something more of rural Thailand other than the fields from the expressway from Bangkok. That was pretty cool and I have to say that tapioca plants could be twins with a marijuana plant. So seeing a field of the stuff still made me drool stupidly. We meet Charlie’s buddy and he has a freaking house that could be a damn estate. Place was huge and cool. So a few more beers there and of course, one for the road. Off to Ban Change we go!
Now, for those never having been to Ban Chang it’s more or less a sleepy Thai town surrounded by golf courses, we all know golf courses are usually full of men, so there are a string of bars that specialize in short time and the price range is that of Soi 6. So into one bar and we start to drink and I’m having a good time. I tried to find some food but it just wasn’t happening and I finally just gave up and went with the flow. I think I had a Red Bull thrown in and we hit a few bars and then we wound up at this one place and the girl said buy her a drink and she would give me a massage. I of course, being the gentleman that I was agreed to this arrangement and let me tell you, most bargirls give a damn good massage. One little problem with this arrangement, no sleep night before, drunk by say 2 in the afternoon, and getting a nice relaxing massage. Guess what happened to your old pal Spanky, I was out cold on the bar while this girl gave me one hell of a good massage. I know we were there for at least an hour and she massaged me the whole time because I would periodically awaken from my slumber and mumble fuck you and give the finger to the guys who thought this was funny as hell. Finally they nudged me awake and said lets go. By this point I was feeling pretty good. I tipped the girl 100 baht for her time as she really did a great job on my back.
Next bar I ordered a Sang Som coke and that helped wake me up. One problem, the beer and the night before started to go through me and off to the toilet I want. This being a classy establishment there was no toilet seat but hey, I have used a squat toilet and they had the hose next to it so I was fine and good to go. So finish up the manly duty and then flushed… well no I didn’t. Fucking thing didn’t flush at all. So there were the Browns glowing in the Super Bowl victory and not willing to leave the field if you will. Luckily by the time I returned it was time to go to the next bar. I grabbed Pattaya Bound and was like pay up we go now and I’m out the door and I’ll wait. He’s like what wrong, and I said tell you next bar. Then I relayed the story and he started to laugh his ass off.
So next bar we head into I am determined to fuck at this point. So first girl that rubbed on me won the Spanky lottery and off I go to the short time room. I’ll spare the gory details but it wasn’t the best performance of my life but I was the only one to fuck on this trip so I had that going for me. I did have a hour nap so that may account for my energy compared to Charlie and his buddy who were shit faced, Pattaya Bound who doesn’t drink didn’t fuck. The pussy.
So we leave and are heading down the street to where Charlie parked his truck and we run into a girl that used to work at the Kilkenny and swears her name is Lucky because she has a tattoo on her back that says that. Problem is the guy doing that tattoo was likely Thai and didn’t know how to spell it in English so she has Locky on her back. I never called her Lucky, she was always Locky and she was happy to see me and we caught up on why she was working here and she gave me the low down and off we went.
New problem, Charlie is hammered and driving. Now at this point I could have been nervous and worried about death, but I was equally as hammered. I figured Pattaya Bound could navigate if he needed to so I did the natural thing and went to sleep. No way was I going to be awake if we died on the way back to Jomteim where Charlie was going to drop us off. I woke up at Charlie’s friend house for a minute as the boys swapped seats so I figured we made it that far so I went back to sleep. Finally they nudged me awake at Jomteim.
I would normally end this here but there is one more sad moment to this tale. So Pattaya Bound and I are walking to catch a baht bus back to LK Metro and I have to piss like a fucking race horse. I should have done it at the bar Charlie had dropped us at but the reality was I just woke up and was out of it. So we start walking and I’m like fuck.. I gotta piss. I finally find an alley that is lined with bushes and trees and duck into it. I’m pissing and so happy to do so I don’t pay attention to anything else. As I walk out to where Pattaya Bound is waiting I’m like fuck, my foot is on fire. Sure enough I walked into a fire ant nest and the little bastards were all over my sandle and foot that must have went into the nest. So I take my sandle off and knock the little fuckers off it and my foot but damage was done. I had bites from one end of the foot to the other. To top it off, as I put my sandle back on the strap broke and so I had to walk barfoot to the baht bus stop.
Finally we made it back to LK Metro and Michelle was waiting for me but that’s another story.