Pattaya. The alternate reality that this represents makes you lose all sense of time or even the fact that there is a real world out there. I write this with quivering hands from trying to kill myself by drinking with Noddy at the Butterfly Bar.

My day started usual enough. I woke up next to Aoy who should enter the sleeping olympics. The girl can sleep more than even the regular Thai girls. Her schedule she told me is work for 12 hours, eat and shower 1 hour, and the rest for sleeping.

I really enjoy’s Aoy’s company so I don’t really bother with her that much. I just rouse her and get her moving and she goes back to her room and sleep. I may have cut into shower and eating time so she could make up the difference for sleep. She has promised to clean the condo for me so I got that to look forward to. Maybe I’ll pay her to do it nude. Always wanted that.

Once I had Aoy out of the way it was time to start the day.

One of the things I have discovered here is you can get a shave for 80 Baht and they toss in a head and should massage. I enjoy this so headed to the place I have gotten shaved at before. Seemed straight forward.

This being Pattaya it would never be straight forward.

I don’t have a particular stylist so the non-busy ones sit out front and you get the luck of the draw on who is up next. Me? I ended up with the ladyboy.

I could be a homophobic douche bag and raise a big stink about it but I honestly didn’t care. Plus, I figured he/she was a dude at some point so should know how to use a razor.

So in we go and I sit in the chair and tell her I wanted a shave and my sideburns trimmed. She said you want your ears cleaned too? I figured the sideburns trimmed was lost in translation so I said yes.

The shave went well. Happy to report that. She even trimmed my eyebrows up. Then she said I clean ears now. Ok. Seemed weird I was still laying back in the chair but I’ll work with it.

Well, clean ears literally means she goes in and cleans out your ears. I knew this was a service but I never seen it in person before but hey, when in Pattaya you just go with it.

Gotta be honest, the whole ear cleaning thing wasn’t horrible. Took about 15 minutes or so and my ears feel clean. She dug around inside the ear canal and then used some liquid cleaner to swap around the inside of my ears. Then she put in a small towel thing and dried it. I’d do it again no problem.

I should mention that I did get my sideburns trimmed up as well.

Once that was finished I had no particular place to go today so I figured I take a ride down Soi 6 and see what was about. I got stopped at My Friend You. In and done in 20 minutes. Great blow job from one of the ladies there that know their jobs. I being cheap opted for the booth experience and no complaints.

Seeing how I hadn’t seen Noddy for awhile I stopped down there. Bad idea. Really bad idea. At first it was quiet. Just me and Noddy. He let me have the run of music and lets say things went a bit heavy. Like, seriously metal. I told him it would get customers and that his marketing department (the girls working there) were clearly not being proactive enough to draw in people since it clearly wasn’t the music keeping people away.

Ok, it was the music. We switched it up after a few hours and people started to arrive.

I have no idea when it went wrong but it did.

Suddenly drinks were flying. There was jagerbombs, there were shots bought by the girls. There were shots of everything flying around.

Some lethal shit called the Ali Bomb named after a doctor who is a patron there, 4 shots of vodka and 1 shot of  jagermeister. You are supposed to drink it in one go. None of us could. We had to sip it and with ice. I have no idea how I got it down.

There was also an impromptu photo shoot. We suddenly had naked women running around the bar. No one seemed to mind too much. There were lots of photographs taken and yes, I’ll be nice and share a few.

Finally one of the guys whose name I forgot just barfined everyone leaving Noddy there by himself. He tried to close up but the owners said no. Sucked to be him but the guy I met and I were due to meet up at Sweethearts and go from there.

I finally got out and headed back to drop the bike at the condo. You would figure I was a mess but I wasn’t. I felt fine. I think its the combo of me eating late and then having more food there. I would not have wanted to have an encounter with a police officer but I got the bike back and dropped the helmet off in the room.

After that it was off to Sweathearts and this is when the serious drinking started. I know at one point I was upstairs with a girl and I just face planted into the mattress. Told her to wake me in 2 hours. This was a stupid idea to start with as I was really drunk but again, Pattaya. Reality doesn’t work here and she got to fuck off for two hours. I of course still had to pay.

I got woken and I was out of it by this point and was like how much to crash here. It’s the Walking St. Guesthouse. They told me some absurd amount and I was like fuck that. So pulled myself together and got on the first motorbike taxi I could find.

I wisely hydrated up and took a multitab vitamin and some pain killers and said good night world.

Another day in Pattaya completed.

Spanky

Here are some pics:

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