download (7)I want to talk about some of the “monger rules” that exists. Why there are rules I have no idea but I think they are total bullshit and I’m out to tell you that there aren’t any. So here we go.

1. The three day rule.

When was it written in the mongering handbook that you could only spend three days with a girl you met on a mongering trip? Somehow mongers believe that since they are paying for it they should be able to spread their seed all over a monger destination. This rule is usually invoked by super mongers who are so far above us mere mortals that they believe in these bullshit rules and tell everyone that listens. If you are having a good time with a girl and its day four, fuck it; stay with her. There is no shame in this. Don’t listen to some super monger who believes his own bullshit that was learned from some other super monger pontificating. Do what you want. It’s your life. If it makes you happy go with it.

2. Don’t give out a girls name on the internet rule.

One of the most irritating things about reading a trip report is that some guy thinks that he has hit the monger goldmine and won’t tell other mongers about the “special” girl he met that does that thing that he likes. He’s under the assumption that the girl is somehow exclusively his and that by using just a letter, “I fucked A in her nostrils like no other girl would let me.” is somehow going to keep it a secret except from your “trusted” friends. Bullshit. If I had a dollar for every secret that wasn’t supposed to be known from other mongers I be a very rich man. Use her name or don’t, but give me a break on the letter crap. Its stupid.

3. Don’t post pictures on the internet rule.

Yes. I get that guys think that posting a picture on the internet is going to get back to some girl because some guy who thinks he’s going to be special if he tells the girl. Here is the deal, if you took the picture and didn’t have the balls to tell her you were going to share then thats on you. Wanna know why I rarely post my stock? One I don’t take them because I think its cheesy. Two I fucking tell them when I do that odds are its going to be on the internet. I do run a website. I found honesty is the best policy here. Man the fuck up. Oh, for those of you sharing in your double secret monger groups, odds are someone is sharing those pictures out. Mongers are still little boys who share their Dad’s Playboy collection with their friends even when they aren’t supposed to. It happens. Get over it.

4. Don’t pay over X amount rule.

I have attempted to explain this rule before. Super mongers who gather in their own Monger Justice League known as monger boards think that they somehow control the costs in a mongering destination. These super mongers then blame everyone else, except themselves of course for causing rates to go up. Mongers, are intelligent gentlemen. The problem is the Monger Illuminati also known as Super Mongers pontificate so much on monger boards that every guy reading it starts to believe that its true, non-members to their community are fucking it up. The best is when they pretend that they can control the local monger community by banding together to keep prices fair. That is just bullshit. Monger boards are such a minority in a mongering area that they have no real sway over market pricing. None. Zippy. Nada. So pay what you want if it makes you happy. Your money. Your life. If you think the extra $20 is worth it then by all means spend it. If some super monger starts to bitch about you over spending, tell them when they give you cash to pay the girls then they can have a say otherwise move the fuck on.

5. Dress and act like a local rule.

Another one I find patently absurd. Last time I checked, most mongers don’t blend into the countries they are visiting. Notice I said most. You might be a Latino guy. You might be an Asian guy. You MIGHT blend but locals are pretty good about picking up others of their kind that aren’t from around there. Now if you are a black or a white guy, good luck blending in a country full of brown people. Oh, before some gringo goes off on me about how Latinas look white and blah blah blah, yeah, no they don’t. There are features that give them away so skip it. So dressing and acting like a local doesn’t do shit for you because you still aren’t going to blend. Your ass don’t like like there no matter how much you wish otherwise. I am not saying don’t dress for the location, but I am also saying you aren’t going to pass as a local no matter how much you try. Dress with what makes sense for you and the for location.

6. Don’t tip for good service or for extra service rule.

The super mongers scream and howl about the tip. Personally, I am not a fan of the up-sell when in the middle of something. Usually they will get a no because it should have been disclosed before. Same with being asked for a tip at the end. It’s your call. If you want to give the girl a tip go for it. If she asks then it shows she’s got initiative (not really but at least she’s hustling). Your call if you want to give it or not. You aren’t hurting anyone by breaking the rule and the girl was taught before by someone else to ask so you aren’t the first to be hit up and I doubt you will be the last. It goes back to monger rule 4. It’s your money do what you want.

7. Bro’s before Ho’s rule.

Oh I touch on the sacred here. You know your best friend forever fucked this ho but he’s your bro and even though you want to fuck her and he isn’t around you just can’t because you know its wrong. Let’s look at the statement. Bro’s before Ho’s. Ho’s being shore for whore. Whore being the girl’s profession. In my book that’s her job, not your friends wife, girlfriend, or anything else of significance. It means she’s fair game. No idea where this thought comes from. Usually newer mongers have an issue with this rule. They still assume its something more meaningful then you paying her for a fuck. It’s not. It’s a rental. Not even a lease to own. What do you think she’s doing when you and your “bro” aren’t around? Get over it.

8. Gift or not to gift rule.

This one goes both ways. Depends on the super monger who last pontificated the loudest on it. Don’t bring gifts because it just ruins the girls and they don’t appreciate us guys that show up with nothing. Others say bring gifts for the girls because it makes them give that little extra and makes it more intimate. There isn’t a hard and fast rule here. I am sure you have seen a pattern. Do whatever you like. The whole to gift or not to gift debate is useless much like all the other monger rules. It comes down to what you are comfortable with. If you think it does the magic trick and she suddenly will do that think you like involving fondue forks and cream cheese then by all means go nuts. If you think it won’t make a difference and bring nothing but your charming self, then by all means go for it. There isn’t a rule.

I am sure I am missing lots of useless monger rules. These are what popped into my head except the last one which was Paco Loco’s suggestion. There is no right or wrong when it comes to mongering. The reality is, do what you want and roll how you want. If some some monger says you are doing it wrong then just nod and go about your day. I once read a quote about cameras and how a certain type of camera is useless just because the person pontificating about it was clueless other than what they read on the internet or were told by someone else, “they are uninformed assholes”. That usually is a super monger who believes in the monger rules. A real monger will give you the lay of the land. What to expect and then figure out you are an adult and can make your own choices based off the information given. Sure mistakes will be made but thats the learning experience. So do what you want that makes you happy and ignore the monger rules. Odds are you will have a better time without them.

Spanky