For some reason, the degenerates gentlemen I travel with occasionally do what they term “date night” with ladies they have come to know in the biblical sense.  I have been persuaded to also engage in this activity from time-to-time and as a rule I fucking hate it.  I did more than a few date nights in Medellin with a gorgeous and smart woman who broke the mold and I could have a conversation of equals with.  This was a rare gem and all other date nights since then have sucked big time.

The last date night I got suckered into was last year in Pattaya and we had been hanging a bar on Soi 6 called Quicky Bar and the two losers, gentlemen I was with were tired of trolling other bars and getting drunk every night.  Why this was I could not figure out as I am in heaving trolling bars getting drunk.  I was roped into taking a girl so we could have a romantic evening out in Pattaya.  So plans were made and outfits were selected and showers taken for “date night”.  All I knew is I was determined to drink my way through it to ease the pain because I knew this was going to be a disaster for me.

So we met up later and grabbed our dates and off we went to the restaurant of choice for two out of three (I was outvoted), the always highly recommended (cheap by tourist standards) Mr. 99 on Beach Road.  So in we go and my date for the evening the ever charming Nok (if you click on the link for the Quicky Bar she is the one on the right doing the V sign) spoke the most English and I spoke the most Thai so her and I were the designated translators.  So we are ordering and Big Daddy and Udubfan (the genius who thought up date night) sit next to their girls while Nok and I sit across from each other.  I should have cringed at this point because Nok ordered wine which is not cheap in Thailand.  Wine production is very new so all wine is imported which means the tax is passed on to the consumer.  I ordered a San Miguel which was the first of many for the evening.

After drinks we went through the menus with the girls having a bit of a time selecting as they weren’t used to menus and the selection.  Big Daddy and Udubfan ordered these giant ass kabob things while I ordered some ramen style soup.  I think Nok went for some seafood that involved lobster and the other two girls ordered prawns from what I remember.  All I know is Nok and I were sitting there amusing ourselves discussing the effect of the Moon on tides and the effect of it on beach erosion when there was a minor fight between Big Daddy’s girl and Udubfan’s girl.  A quick apology was said in Thai and a wai of apology was given and things moved on.  I didn’t get the gist of the fight as the Thai was too fast but I picked up the apology and was vastly amused.  I asked Nok what the problem was and she said that Big Daddy’s girl was giving Udubfan’s girl shit about hand feeding Udubfan like a fucking puppy.  Why this caused a fight I have no idea but life goes on.

Nok and I continued to fortify ourselves, her with wine and me with beer when the meal concluded.  It was at this point I should have noticed Nok, not used to drinking wine was a little tipsy and me being so focused on my own fortification I was blissfully unaware.  We continued on for the evening and ended up bar hopping with me paying for more and more wine.  The other two were calling it a night and so we headed back to the Soi our respective rooms were near.  On the way we stopped off and walked past a major tourist mall and this is when date night went to shit.

Nok was drunk as a skunk and I wasn’t feeling much pain so I went along with it.  So we passed a gelato stand and Nok had to have some.  So a few dollars towards gelato and she was happy.  Now I had a problem because I could not walk up the soi that would have taken us directly to the room.  I had blown off another girl for “date night” by saying I was sick so I had to sneak up a side street where I would not be seen.  Problem was Nok was drunk and now sugar high on gelato and saw a pair of shoes and squealed with delight.

I know.  I could have said no but I felt mildly bad about making Nok walk around the long way and I was half drunk so I just said if you want them fine.  So negotiations proceed and I spend around $10 for the pair of shoes.  Nok was going to try for a second pair of shoes of the evening but I did say no as I bought a pair of shoes earlier that week for her (Ed: Dumbass) so she was happy with one pair.  We walked down the dark and gritty side street which is perfectly safe and Nok had never been down it.  We passed a small spirit house and she gave a bow to it and we continued on.  During this time I am getting txt messages from Udubfan asking us where we were because the other girls thought I ran off with Nok and killed her or something.  I finally just called and had Nok talk to them.

We get to the designated meeting spot and the other two girls were giving me shit about being a butterfly, or a Thai term for a man that sleeps around because they were told why I had to take the long way around.  To shut them up more drinks were ordered, wine for Nok and beer for me.  A few games of pool were played and the evening was winding down.  That is until Nok saw the “doll cart”.  I guessed stuffed animal doesn’t translate well but when you hear a Thai Girl ask for doll she means a stuffed animal which they all freaking sleep with.  Nok screamed with glee and off we go to the “doll cart”.  Nok has a fascination with Scooby Doo so she kept badgering the shit out of the seller for “Scooby” until he produced one.  At this point I wanted the evening over and the pain and suffering to end so I just handed the money over.

The others found this vastly amusing that me, Mr. Anti-Date Night is now in for expensive wine, shoes, gelato, and now a stuffed Scooby Doo.  We wrapped it up shortly there after and I hauled Nok to my room where she instantly passed out drunk as a skunk but smiling happy as Scooby Doo was there for her to snuggle with.

I have never been on another date night again.